Lorne Quotes:

Lorne: I don't think you have to tell me what you represent here, young man. I know. Evil. Pure evil in the — Huh. Which is also apparently everyone I've always wanted to meet.
   ~From "Home"

Fred: Garden's empty. This is incredibly creepy.
Lorne: Only in a post-apocalyptic "Night of the Comet" kind of way.
   ~From "Peace Out"

Lorne: Yeah, I'm movin', Angel cakes. Might not look like it, but inside, where it counts, I'm runnin'. Full speed ahead, believe me.
   ~From "Sacrifice"

Lorne: Tonight, the role of Judas Iscariot will be played by Krevlorneswath of the Deathwok Clan.
   ~From "The Magic Bullet"

Lorne: Oh, well, I'm as tickled as, uh, someone so tickled they're out of similes.
   ~From "Shiny Happy People"

Lorne: Kid Vicious did the heavy lifting. Cordy just mwa-ha-ha'd at us.
   ~From "Inside Out"

Lorne: Please. You think this Dungeons & Dragons cloak is a fashion statement?
   ~From "Players"

Connor: Magic. This is what it gets you.
Lorne: That, plus the biting, makes for some serious psychic psychedelia. And the more you take, the deeper you sink.
Wes: It leads you down to hell ... and leaves you there.
   ~From "Orpheus"

Lorne: Hey, soon as FTD's delivering in the city again, expect a big "Thanks a Bunch" bouquet from me, girls. Ciao!
   ~From "Salvage"

Lorne: Wesley, would you please warn this walking infection that I haven't forgotten how she poked my head open like a Capri-Sun. And while my love for humanity allows me to tolerate her presence, if need be I will smack her down! Be a doll. Thanks.
   ~From "Calvary"

Wes: As long as we’re very careful. Before Angelus was ensouled, his viciousness was mythic. You all know his history.
Fred: Killing, maiming, torture…
Lorne: Puppies nailed to walls — thank you, Cordelia, for that lovely image — but I think that brings us up to speed.
   ~From "Soulless"

Angel: You’re sure?
Lorne: Sorry, bucko. I got nothing. Although your choice of The Night the Lights Went Out in Georgia might have thrown me a wee. I’m personally not huge with the Vicki Lawrence love.
   ~From "Awakening"

Gwen: The whole nine: cloven feet and horns and teeth and … he wasn’t wearing lamé, though.
Lorne: Yeah, the evil ones can’t pull it off. It gets camp.
   ~From "Long Day's Journey"

Angel: Somebody should stay here and mind the store.
Lorne: Oh! Me, me me! Sergeant Stay-At-Home volunteering for duty, sir.
   ~From "Habeas Corpses"

Lorne: Hey, uh, call me kooky-pants, but maybe we could save the three rounds until after the Chuck Heston Plague-A-Thon cools off.
   ~From "Rain of Fire"

Lorne: So I'm an idiot. What are you? Perfect?
   ~From "Spin the Bottle"

Angel: Here you go. How's your head?
Lorne: Smashing. Listen, I know I've been a wee bit jumpy the last couple of days, but did I hear a scream?
Angel: Oh, it's just Fred. I think it's a Texas thing.
   ~From "Supersymmetry"

Gunn: Well, how horrible is this thing?
Lorne: Well, I haven't read the Book of Revelations lately, but if I was searching for adjectives, I'd probably start there.
Fred: Was that all you saw?
Lorne: That was the tip of the 'berg, pumpkin nut. What I got from Cordy was dense. A big, fat, tummy-clinching onion from hell. The more layers you peel, the more you cry. Or vomit, in this case. But I tell ya, this is one itch daddy's done a-scratching.
   ~From "Slouching Towards Bethlehem"

Fred: Charles, it doesn't matter.
Gunn: It does to me! I wanna know Lorne. Why didn't you just say no to that piece of...
Lorne: I did! The first time he asked me to, of course I refused! So he blew a girl's brains out right in front of me. And he said that's what I could expect every time I said no.
   ~From "The House Always Wins"

Lorne: You wanna bitch-slap sour-puss over there for practice? I'm your cheering section.
   ~From "Deep Down"

Lorne: Connor’s back, and you’re whole life’s coming together. Sometimes things do work out.
   ~From "Tomorrow"

Lorne: Well then it really can't. No amount of trying's gonna make it work if fate's against it.
Groo: Even after one has come so far, endured so much?
Lorne: Just because somebody hops a dimension or two is no guarantee things'll work out.
Groo: Yes. I sense that is true.
Lorne: Well aren't you just sneaky with the sub-text.
   ~From "Benediction"

Lorne: Well---I-I might know a guy, who knows another guy.
Groo: Is it dangerous? Gunn and I can protect you.
Lorne: Well, no. It's not dangerous, it's just awkward. This guy is all hands. I mean, hands, like fifty of them. Anybody fluid in sign language?
   ~From "A New World"

Lorne: Not really the hunter-type. Couldn't I just come along and cheerlead?
   ~From "The Price"

Groo: He is very fortunate to have such a woman looking after his weapon.
Host: I’m not touching that one.
   ~From "Double or Nothing"

Host: Hey, I, uh, I cleaned the pentagram as best I could. The dried blood, well, that's started to be a look out there.
   ~From "Forgiving"

Host: So, Sammy's at the Flamigo, and Frank, Dino, Peter, Joey, and Shirley are all front row center. Well, Sammy starts singing 'I Did It My Way' then he stops and says 'I can't sing this song in front of you, Frank.' The crowd loves it. They're laughing. Ha, ha, ha, ha. So, then Frank calls out 'hey, you're short, you're one-eyed, and I heard somewhere you're Jewish. Don't be intimidated!' The crowd goes wild!
   ~From "Sleep Tight"

Angel: There's nothing between Cordelia and me.
Host: Sure there is, and it's got arms like steel cables and a deeply ironic sense of timing.
   ~From "Couplet"

Host: Go to sleep, lullaby. You've been fed and you're sleepy. You'll be with Uncle Lorne, who in no way resents not being asked to go to the ballet and is certainly not thinking of selling you to the first vampire cult that makes him a decent offer...
   ~From "Waiting in the Wings"

Fred: Are you okay?
Host: I was feeling seasick when we were still on dry land. Do I look greener than usual?
   ~From "Provider"

Angel: This isn't going to work.
Wes: I checked it. It's primed and ready.
Angel: Not the weapon, the plan.
Host: I'm so glad somebody finally said that, because sitting here waiting to die never was much of a plan. Sorry. So, what kind of genius idea you got hidden up that well tailored sleeve of yours, huh?
   ~From "Dad"

Wes: We're being attacked.
Angel: Attacked? I thought you had double protection sanctorium spells?
Host: I do. It's a thing with the door and the stairs and the world and the thing. Never mind!
Gunn: Apparently you can be outside and shove stuff in.
Host: I just said that.
   ~From "Lullaby"

Host: They're here to help recast the sanctuary spell to prevent violence in the club. And this time I'm covering demons *and* humans. I'm opening the club again. I know I was blue for a pretty long time. If it'd gone on much longer I would have turned aquamarine.
   ~From "Offspring"

Host: Oh really? Well I am not some mystical vending machine, here to spit out answers every time you waltz in with a problem. I have a heart. Granted, it's located in my left buttcheek, but it's still a heart, and that heart is broken. I mean, why is it nobody ever cares about my destiny? Everyone who walks through that door is all about "me, me, me" -- what about my me? My me's important!
   ~From "Fredless"

Host: Why, now, I'm sure Angel just forgot for the moment that *any* demon violence is impossible in Caritas.
   ~From "That Old Gang of Mine"

Host: Now, I want you to relax. Picture yourself outdoors, in a field, or on a mountain.
Cordy: I like the mountains.
Host: Beautiful. Say you're on a mountaintop, and it's warm. The sky is blue, full of big, fluffy clouds. You're Julie Andrews in 'The Sound of Music.' And you're relaxed and you're spinning and the camera is swirling and - ouch! Careful, honey, you've got some power of your own!
Cordy: Sorry. All the spinning and swirling was freaking me out.
Host: My fault, my fault. I just love that movie so much!- Okay. Ready to try again? Okay. Now let's go looking for the Powers That Be. See if we can reach out and touch someone.
   ~From "That Vision Thing"

Merl: I don't know where he is now, but I know where he was earlier.
Wesley: Where?
Merl: Doctor Gregson's.
Gunn: What kind of doctor is that?
Host: A demon kind. A slod demon.
   ~From "Heartthrob"

Angel: We need to talk.
Host: And you should have booked in advance. I don't think we can get you on stage tonight.
Angel: I'm not here to sing.
Host: Oh, is that what we're calling it now?
Angel: Something's coming.
Host: Really? I thought it was just the complimentary nachos bringing in the morally ambiguous crowd.
   ~From "Reprise"

Host: I-I think what my chipper friend is trying to say here, Gene, is the wheel keeps turning. You can't stop it. Sometimes things get worse, sometimes they get better.
Gene: I want the wheel to stop - which probably explains the whole time in a box disaster. I can't emphasize enough how sorry I am about that.
Host: It just don't work, Gene-y. It's like a song. Now, I can hold a note for a long time actually I can hold a note forever. But eventually that's just noise. It's the change we're listening for. The note coming after, and the one after that. That's what makes it music.
   ~From "Happy Anniversary"

Host: Well, well, I can see the maudlin segment of tonight's binge is in full swing. Now, don't be blue. I was very impressed with your musical recitation of pain earlier. And when I say pain, I mean mine. Although props for singing your little hearts out.
Cordy: Yeah. Our hearts were out. You, Mr. Big - Mojo-guy, are supposed to, uhm, give us guidance now.
Wesley: She's right. We came, we sang, we... fought the urge to regurgitate.
Cordy: So spill already. Not you. - What are we supposed to do with our lives? Where do we go from here?
Host: Oh - I'd love to tell you, sweetie. But - when the big guys talk, I shut my yap. And they're about to get real chatty.
   ~From "Redefinition"

Angel: Aren't you supposed to be reading her?
Host: I'm a channel surfer. Look, you're a big hunk of hero sandwich. You wanna save the girl. I can see why. But you're missing the crucial point here. Things fall apart. Not everything can be put back together, no matter how much you want it.
Angel: She's not gonna die.
Host: Why do you care so much? She had more than most of us, already 400 plus years.
Angel: As a vampire. Before that she was... She... She never had a chance.
   ~From "The Trial"

Host: I thought maybe I'd seen you walk away for the last time. You doing okay?
Angel: Yeah, yeah.
Host: Once more with less feeling.
Angel: I guess I'm a little, ah, uhm - rocky.
Host: You're Rocky and Rocky II and half of the one with Mister T. Tell me about it.
   ~From "Guise Will Be Guise"

Angel: So talk.
Host: So, no.
Angel: What do you mean 'no'? You won't tell me anything?
Host: I tell you you're headed into trouble with a capital 'troub.' Let her go, bro. That way lies badness.
Angel: What do you care? You got murderous demons in here. You give them free advice, but you won't help me.
Host: Hey, I set people on their paths, okay? And this is way off your path, sweetie. Go home.
Angel: Tell me where Darla is.
Host: I know you're not gonna start anything in here. You're a good boy. Have a drink before you go. It's on me.
   ~From "Dear Boy"

Host: You really put your heart into it. Question is - what happens to it now?
Angel: It?
Host: Your heart, you big softie. - It may not be beating but it can still break.
Angel: What do you mean?
Host: Just that you've come to a bend in your own personal uphill road, bro. Whether or not that slows you down... Well, that's up to you.
   ~From "First Impressions"

Cordy: Who is this guy?
Wesley: He's, uh, anagogic.
Cordy: Really? He looks like he's eating enough.
Wesley: Psychic. He's connected to the mystic. When you sing you bare you soul. He sees into it.
Host: This isn't about your pipes, bro. It's about your spirit. I can't read you unless you sing!
Angel: I don't sing.
   ~From "Judgement"